LIVE TO LIVE ANOTHER DAY

Is this really it?
Just this repetitive shit?
“Man, life is boring”
I think waking up with a jerk from snoring
Is this all there is?
Yes and no, just bit by bit
I guess there are moments
But mostly disappointment
It can’t all be sexy
But why so messy?
Just lookin for a break
Fakin it til makin it
Unless there’s bliss to be found in mundane
I’ll keep digging in the rough then just in case
Meantime I openly complain
With no qualms
Most of the time life is swirling down the drain
I say to myself head, resting on palm
Nodding off
To the land of not
The break from dull routine
Into half dreamy scenes
Then coming back with a start from the in-between
Can’t depart yet, that would be too easy
Welcome back to the suck
You’re better off if you don’t give a fuck
Cuz there’s nothing in this kingdom
But the solemn promise of boredom
Is this really it?
Yes and no, just bit by bit
Keep at the grinder
Write down reminder
There are moments and they’ll come again
Which make the dull look like bigger plan
But damn
I’m so weary
Of the long term dreary
Days and months and years of torture
With only prayers of better fortune
But something comes in
A very feint grin
I’m up to the challenge or I wouldn’t be here
Bring it on life, all the lame
C’mon, gimme your “A” game!
I want to beat the best
From the elite, not the rest
The top devil
Who currently revels
In my quiet misery
Life is a mystery?
I call bullshit
It’s easy to figure, just a bad trip
Don’t waste time lining up for the fair
Cut straight to the hall of nightmares
Take the ride
Pocket ticket stub
You’re on the wheel looking for the hub
And so am I so don’t step on me
You know, I just had an epiphany
Life is hard enough
So I won’t play so rough
And go easy on those
Who are in their own throws
They just don’t know
That they’re having day terrors
It’s not just the night that points out the error
Of getting sucked too much into your story
Let’s face it, no ego, life is just boring
When enough you’ve been humbled
You accept no control and stop stumbling
Buckle in for the ride
There’s popcorn but no prizes
Go round and round
Unpredictable ups and downs
Smiles and inevitable frowns
Until you give up and admit
For now at least this really is it
At least there’s always something to do, think, or dream
Get good at meditating and any moment turns sweet
It just takes persistence and cutting through pain
Transcending anything and being fine with mundane
If you rebel against your prison cell
You’ll make you’re own lovely little personal hell
Try laughing at it instead
And go anywhere you want to in your head
Life’s a real son of a bitch
But I’ll tell you what there’s more to it than this
You just have to stay in the mud
And decide to turn it to fun
Sling pies and build bricks for your hut
There’s nothing else to do but get to know your rut
Every inch, every grain
Makes a new wrinkle on your brain
Pick any point on which to concentrate
Eventually consciousness will elevate
And you see through the solid into the wave
Don’t stop there, keep going
Deeper into the boring
It is a portal into worlds beyond words
But first you have to accept the squirm
Of the repetitive shit
Asking yourself “is this it?”
Like me you forget
You try not to regret
And start again
This time illusion your friend
For now at least
Until boredom leaks
Right back in, but you counter with reason
You are one for any season
Have weathered so much
You must have at least touched
On the secret to happiness
There is none without the opposite
It’s all just happening
Yep, it’s found from wading through this shit
Whatever it is
This muck, this grit
I ask again
What do you think my friend?
If bliss does exist
And you have tasted it
Like I have
What would you say
Even though it is fleeting
Do we have reason
Are we faulting or do we get the gist?
Is this really all there is?
Think about it while I nod off
And let me know, I’ll be in the land of not
When I wake up again I’ll be disappointed
But hope an answer will have me anointed
While I stretch and yawn
You’ll tell me from what we spawned
And that I just came from there
I’ll scratch my hair
What little I have left
Seeing how deft
You are to see under our noses
Holy Moses
The sleeping Buddha awakes
And forgets they made a terminal mistake
The only thing that’s boring
Is to be disappointed by the snoring
Yes this is it
It is perfect shit
And ebbs and flows
King and beggar you will know
So you grow?
I don’t know
That’s one way to say it
But I’m up for this
Pile it on
Not til death will I split
No giving up
I’m settled into that rut
Bored but could be worse
I could be up against
An unstoppable force
Though it often feels that way
For now though
My best is not great
Am I somehow reaping what I sowed?
I dunno
Oh well, screw it
Not today myself blame
While in cycle of melancholy
Live
To live
Another day

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CHANNELED STATIC

This is a transcription of a voice memo I did not too long ago, one particularly existential and lonesome night. It all just spilled out from nowhere, a channeling of nothing. Is it nonsense or the most sane words I’ve ever spoken? Probably yes to both.

 

A contemplative stream of consciousness (please forgive the grammar since this is a transcript of spoken words rather than a crafted written piece):

Why do I keep thinking that I need something? Like something is missing, or someone? Why do we think that there is something around the next corner or in some conceived future that is really just being imagined in our minds right now as a phantom projection that really holds nothing at all? Is it that we exist or seem to exist and simply cannot cope with not knowing why and we keep trying to fill that gap, that amnesia basically, with content, with stuff, with beliefs? And we follow our impulses thinking they are these cardinal truths, most of us not really stopping to think for ourselves and to question. And you may question surface things but how many of us really question existence itself as the ground of this wanting of something that we feel is missing or somehow not yet fulfilled?

Who or what is to say that you actually exist? It may sound ridiculous but when you deconstruct phenomena all you are left with are these layers. Layers upon layers, built on top of nothing at all. If everything comes from a pure potential of existing then isn’t it still simply a potential that seems to be taking a form? This may seem like a cop-out but maybe you’re not thinking deeply enough. Just because there is self reflexive thinking does not mean there is a self. It does not mean that thinking is any “thing” at all. If you are experiencing your conscious field you seem to know that you are conscious. You seem to know that you are having experiences but what is having the experiences? Point to it. Show me. You can’t. I can’t. No one can because there’s really nothing there.

This is not pessimism. This is the most basic observation of that seemingly self-reflexive thinking. When it turns in on itself paradoxically it does not see a self. And “self” here is limited by language. Existing is aware that it exists but it’s not-existence that exists. It is non-existence, nothing at all, that is aware that it is pretending to exist, that it is pretending to be something. But remember you and I came from nothing. Before you were born you were nothing. Before you can remember, and where that amnesia comes from, is what you really are. What was really there was nothing, this potential; pure potential, not yet manifested. Or simply not manifested because from there, or from nowhere, there is no time. Time and space are a relative construct, a phantom construct, like everything is.

So to have a word like “Nihilism” or to be a “Nihilist” is to simply recognize that the base of everything is nothingness, and at the core of everything is that nothingness. And this does not mean that you become a psychopath, or a sociopath, or violent, or destructive. You may be deconstructive because you are deconstructing things down to their absolute core but when you recognize nothingness you also have nothing to oppose. You have no reason to go against something because you know it’s not something. It’s’ all empty so it’s all one emptiness.

People talk about oneness but they’re really trying to get at nothingness. Nothingness is non-dualistic because it has no opposite. Oneness is non-dualistic because it’s all one field but again it’s a semantic problem. Oneness is one because it’s zero. Zero equals one. And what is wrong with being nothing? Why must we go around pretending we are something? And why must we go around pretending like we need something?
Reduce yourself back to what you really are: nothing, and be aware of pretending to be something with all these other “somethings,” and then you’re really playing the game. Only then can you be free. Call it whatever you want with language. This is the most basic observation, the most stripped-down realization.

A TIME AND A PLACE

There was a time and a place when there was no time or place

And now there seems to be

But it goes in and out

Expanding and contracting

Don’t add any layers

This is what it feels like

There is no time or place

Just a thought of them

From when there was no time or place

Just a remembrance of them

From when they will no longer be

AN OPEN LETTER TO FORMER FRIENDS

Dear “Friend,”

You who left in my hours of need

To all in fact who turned their backs on me

I didn’t know your friendship and loyalty would melt

At the first sign of slander and lies that I felt

Which you didn’t care to find the truth of

And instead backed the mutual loved one

With no cross checking or thought of greater good

No, what you did was blind, pretentious, what fools do

I want you to read this, to hear it so it couldn’t be clearer

All you really did was turn your back to the mirror

Those of you who call yourself Christian have setup the cross

For you don’t love your neighbor as yourself

Who are you, Judas Iscariot?

And those of you who think you’re mature and stalwart

In reality you’re actually just cowards

Your friendship was only ever a joke

You ignorant goddamn turncoats

I would with one swift punch see you fell

But your cruelty is seen by others than me

So instead I’ll just see you all in hell

And hope that someday from your betrayal I’ll feel free

It could be quicker from just a simple apology

But for that you’d need to wake up

And stop being so mute and so dumb

I can’t hope for that too much from a narcissist

So all I can hope for is that karma truly is a bitch

There is no real reason

For your heartless treason

But rest assured I don’t forget

And keep in my back pocket the option of revenge

The only reason I haven’t acted on it

Is because I don’t stoop to your level like a dirty snitch

Because believe me I know your weaknesses, your dirt

And I can find more and exploit them for sure

But at least for now I’ll spare you from that

A huge gift to you that goes completely unthanked

On the contrary I’ll wait in the shadows

And only as last resort don cloak and dagger

But be forewarned if I do it won’t be pretty

Then you will be the trash talk of the city

So be prepared in case that comes

But oh wait, you’re unaware of the sum

Of your actions, your guilt by omission

So stay in your slumber like a good sleep walking citizen

You don’t even know that I’m watching

That my mind is plotting

And especially of the beautiful irony

The only thing that stays my hand…

Love

– Your unrequited friend

THE OMEGA POINT

I will conquer time and space for this
I am already beginning to
At the omega point
Starting to bend the joint
Transmuting what was, what is
No more hers and his
Soon when all things fail
Nothing left but to flail
In the dark, the great void
Opens up to be devoid
Of all things
Including time and space
Then shall I stand
On thinnest strand
Threading through eye of needle
Need not to meddle
In affairs of man
They will come to me
They will hear and see
Their misperceptions foiled
And I, there at their last breath
At the omega point
I am the alpha

NATURE MEDITATION

IMG_0468

A view of meditating in the woods. My cushion: a comfortable enough rock to sit on. My temple: nature itself. A wide and open awareness extends to all sensations. The birds and their calls, the bugs and how they crawl, the cars not too far away on the roads and how they haul. The air is warm and muggy, the light is bright and sunny, the feeling of sitting here is a bit funny. I would have lingered but did not want to be a deer tick’s dinner. Still, the stillness amidst this little clearing within the woods so near me can be refuge and makes a good tactic for the practice.

MACRO-COSMIC REFLECTIONS

A pale blue dot
Earth from far away
All problems contained
On one spherical plane
Spinning in space

How is the universe so vast?
Do you yearn to float among stardust?
The flotsam and jetsam
Of accretion disks
Welcomes pilgrims
From all quadrants

Rotating objects
In space far off
Are just like here
Perhaps human life too
On another sphere
Of green and blue

Quasars spew out
Abstract art
Entire galaxies captured here
In telescope’s reflecting mirrors

This is our true environment
From empty space we all were sent
To reflect on
And comprehend
The beginning and the end

And relativity of time
Like forensics of a crime
Creationists and evolution
Cannot agree on solution
The answer most rational
All knowledge is conventional

As amazing and grandiose
A thing such as a universe
It could still be
But a tortoise’s dream

Or the thought of a child
Who’s imagination went wild
Each moment recreates
The pattern seemingly more solid
As it spins, revolves, and carries weight

Gravity remarks
That to the grave we are marked
Spinning and sinking in
Making time and the relative

From an outside perspective
This is all concocted
Not because of man
Simply because it can

The biggest bang
Is dropping the brands
And admitting with a salute
That the absolute
Can form anything and all
That is relative, subjective, and conventional

Quantum measured quasars spew out abstract art

Every moment a new start

ON THE FENCE

on_the_fence.JPG

I find myself on the fence, in between certain life decisions. Just like this image I find what is in front of me on the balance beam to be clear and free, and yet what is ahead and to the sides is blurry and not yet defined. Staying focused on the grain and trying not to strain seems to be the way to “make it” one day. And what would that mean anyway? We are only ever on the current rail of the fence. Looking to the side and ahead can distract from the beauty and wonderfully flawed dents of the life situation all around us embedded on this fence. Balance and sway. Follow your way. You may feel lost but you are now found. Do not forgot to focus on the foreground.